After reading Heathers post I reflected on my journey down the road of the Fitness Challenge. I really don't think that I would have lasted the first few weeks if I didn't know there were others trying out the path. If it had just been up to me to take on the path alone I know I would have convinced myself that it really wasn't something I was capable of. Somehow knowing that others are out there giving it their best, helps me to stay motivated to keep trying. As I think about the times in my life when I have felt like the abandoned and beaten traveler on the road to Jericho and the people, sometimes total strangers, that have helped me to know I was not alone and have left me feeling full of gratitude.
I have thought a lot about the guilt I feel after eating. and it always comes when I exclude myself from others. Not only when I try to sneak a treat privately to myself, but also when I choose not to include myself in a memorable treat occasion. For example, Gilead asked for cupcakes for his birthday. I am not really fond of cupcakes, so had decided not to eat one and save sweet points for something I really wanted. Yet as we were singing and Gilead was blowing out his candles, I realized that my not eating also gave the feeling of not celebrating this little boy of mine that I really wanted to celebrate with. Was it really worth those five points in the grand scheme of things? I thought about the look I would get from him like the others I have seen on my boys faces when they have asked "are you going to have any Mommy?" There is a certain guilt that comes with this exclusion as well.
The week of Thanksgiving is a good example of how I see my personal motivations for food are changing. We spent Thanksgiving in a one bedroom cabin in Nauvoo. We packed our own simple Thanksgiving dinner including pumpkin pie.We made gingerbread cookies the next day at the cabin. I will always treasure the memories that flood back every time I smell or taste gingerbread cookies because of the fond memories of enjoying warm-out-of-the-oven gingerbread cookies in a cabin with my family. As far as points go- the week of Thanksgiving was half of what I had previously earned in the weeks prior. If only looking at points, that week looks like a failure- but it was the first week that I see as a real success. Every sweet I ate was enjoyed with my family. Not once did I sneak treats or feel guilty about anything I ate the whole week.
I have learned so much about myself from this journey. I am glad that my successes are not gauged wholly on points or grades and that I can recognize that joy and fulfillment come from making those decisions that will help me stay on the road to happiness.
You must be in my mind reading my thoughts, Denise. You are SPOT ON with how I feel about guilt and eating. When I exclude myself, either by sneaking or not joining in on a "memorable" occasion, I know I'm in danger of guilt and future poor choices to smother the guilt. What a powerful thing the mind is! But it is a process and with each good choice, my spirit gets stronger.
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